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Unfortunately, a lot of the common strategies you've liked resorted to in order to make it work have left you feeling more frustrated, emotionally drained, and trapped in the same toxic cycles with her. See if you recognize yourself in any of these tendencies, and read why these approaches likely haven't worked long term:
1. Doing Everything You Can To Get Her To See Your Worth
- What You've Tried: You go out of your way to make choices in your life that you hope would make your mom proud of you, like what career path you chose, partners she'd like or avoiding ones she wouldn't, or trying to create the life she's always said she wanted for you. You've done everything you can to try to be perfect, hoping that this will finally gain some praise or recognition from your mom.
- Why It’s Not Working: No matter what you do, you're always going to feel like you're disappointing her or like what you do is never "enough'. Instead of receiving validation, you often feel like your accomplishments are dismissed, criticized, or compared to other people. The bar keeps moving and her approval of you and your choices never seems to actually happen, leaving you feeling unworthy, and like there's nothing you can do to ever fully measure up to her expectations.
2. Staying Quiet To Keep The Peace, AKA "Not Rocking The Boat"
- What You’ve Tried: You do all sorts of mental gymnastics to avoid criticism or judgment from your mom or anything that'll cause an argument. Everything runs through a filter in your brain that gets the green light to "share or not to share". To the point that you're holding back sharing how you're actually feeling about anything of importance to you, real opinions you hold, or accomplishments that feel too vulnerable to share.
- Why It’s Not Working: Unfortunately all the bending and contorting you're managing to endure is only suppressing any of your needs and erasing any and all of your authenticity. Which goes against our very human need to be loved and valued for who we are. And we can't really select the things we want to shut down or turn off, so essentially your brain is deciding all pieces of you are unsafe to share in all relationships. And abandoning yourself leaves you feeling unheard and resentful af. The "peace" you’re creating is also superficial, so the underlying issues never get better.
3. Over-Extending Yourself or Over-Functioning
- What You’ve Tried: You way overdo it to be there for your mother, even when it comes at the expense of your own mental health, finances, or personal life and other relationships.
- Why It’s Not Working: Over-functioning won't actually create or bring the genuine closeness you want with your mom, or lead to her seeing or appreciating your efforts to show up for her. Instead, it reinforces a cycle of dependency on you to get her needs met. And, you guessed it, you’re just going to end up exhausted from putting your mom's needs first without receiving the same effort or attention to your needs in return.
4. Setting Boundaries, But Backtracking When She's Upset By Them
- What You’ve Tried: You've watched all the TikToks on setting boundaries you can find. And you've given them your all in trying to actually enforce them! Like limiting how much or how often you two talk, or walking away to cool off during confrontation. This usually ends with you feeling like a garbage daughter and apologizing to her when she acts like you've hurt her beyond repair.
- Why It’s Not Working: Look, I'm a therapist and have been in and out of my own therapy for some time now. Boundaries can be HARD. Hard to initiate and hard to hold firm to, especially if you've never seen them done in a healthy way or being respected. And, if we're inconsistent with our boundaries (now you see them, now you don't sort of thing), we teach people that boundaries are negotiable or temporary, often causing the person to really ramp up their efforts and leaning into employing more manipulative behaviors like guilt-tripping and shaming. And honestly, remember this... your mom has lived longer than you on this planet. Compared to you, she's likely got a PHD in boundary busting behaviors that she's curated into an art to get her needs met.
6. Rationalizing or Excusing Your Mom's Harmful Or Bad Behavior
- What You’ve Tried: You might tell yourself your mother is just “stressed out,” “misunderstood,” or is "just from a different generation.” All attempts to justify or erase the need for her to take accountability for her hurtful behavior, hoping it'll make it easier for you to tolerate or not take it to heart.
- Why It’s Not Working: This perpetuates an endless cycle, one that keeps you in a painful loop of enduring emotional harm. It makes it harder to recognize the true scope of the damage being done, because without acknowledging the reality of what's happening, you can't access compassion for yourself to address your own pain. You might even shame yourself or feel guilty for being upset or questioning your relationship with her. All of this keeps you in a position of feeling stuck and powerless to change anything.
7. Getting Advice From Friends Or Family Who Don’t Understand
- What You’ve Tried: Maybe you've confided in or vented to friends or other family members, hoping for someone to hear you out or at least confirm you're not crazy. That things really are messed up and hard with your mom.
- Why It’s Not Working: Friends and family likely don't have the same relationship with your mom that you do, because they aren't her kid. They experience her in a different way. They may not understand the ways your relationship with your mom are impacting you, and may unintentionally minimize or all out dismiss your feelings or experiences. Or, they may try to give you advice to “just get over it,” or "look past it," or "I'm sure she didn't mean it like that." Successfully leaving you feeling even more alone, guilty for having your reactions, further steeped in shame, and less likely to feel like you can tell anyone what you're going through.
8. Hoping Things Will "Get Better" Over Time
- What You’ve Tried: You might be holding onto the hope that things will naturally improve over time. Maybe your mom will change or learn to see things differently if you just keep trying.
- Why It’s Not Working: This keeps you stuck in a cycle of pain and abuse. I'll never tell you that your mom, or other people for that matter, can't change. But what's important is realizing that time alone won’t be what likely changes her deeply ingrained behaviors or beliefs, or what transforms the relationship you have with your mother into one that's healthy.
9. Becoming Who You Think Your Mom Wants You To Be
- What You’ve Tried: Attempting to suppress, deny, or hide away whole parts of your identity, like your beliefs, relationships you'd want to be in, or choices about how you wish you could to live your life, from the perspective of trying to avoid disappointing your mother.
- Why It’s Not Working: Denying parts of yourself to make your mom happy increases a sense of inner conflict, builds resentment, and creates a deep sense of loss. Not being allowed to live your life in a way that feels true and good to you also conditions your brain to abandon the things that make you "you". Training your brain to understand that it's not safe or acceptable to be yourself. That it's too risky and it only hurts you if people see the real you.
You wanting or realizing you need help is not a bad thing. You are not bad or broken for needing help. Having this kind of relationship with your mom impacts every area of your life. So, it feels hard because it IS hard.
Especially if you're trying to navigate it alone or without someone in your corner who really gets your situation. You don't have to stay stuck in feeling lost, drained, or disconnected from yourself. Therapy can be a game changer where you'll not only get new strategies to implement that actually work and ways to prioritize your own wellbeing and support authentic, healthy relationships.
Coaching tends to work best for clients that are focused on identifying problems they're having and finding solutions they can actively incorporate into their lives to achieve a desired outcome or life goal. You do not receive a diagnosis with coaching. With therapy, we can certainly work on solutions, but therapy tends to also be geared towards unearthing some deeper wounding that has occurred, treating traumas, and finding healthy ways to process these wounds and/or change harmful/destructive patterns. Therapy is appropriate treatment for mental health conditions and diagnoses, and coaching is not appropriate for treatment of these conditions. If you still have any questions, feel free to head to click the button below and let me know!
Another distinction to be mindful of is that I am ONLY licensed to do therapy with clients in Tennessee. Coaching is available to clients worldwide.
how is coaching different from therapy?
do you offer options to help with therapy costs?
What's your cancellation policy?
I am considered out-of-network with all insurance companies. I am happy to help clients navigate and understand out-of-network benefits.
For payment, I have two options available to clients who would like to utilize their behavioral health insurance for therapy. With the first option, clients are responsible for the full fee at time of service but are given forms to submit to their insurance to receive reimbursement directly from their insurance companies. Receiving reimbursement isn't guaranteed and a lot of plans vary, so I encourage you to check with your insurance company before we begin our work together if reimbursement is important for you.
For the second option, we can work with a company called Thrizer that acts as a sort of go between for out-of-network therapy. They have the same option to get reimbursed after paying my full fee up at the time of session, or additional options where you can choose to only pay your out of pocket amount (if your plan has a copay or coinsurance) rather than my full fee. They will also pursue your insurance should there be an issue with your claim, at no cost to you.
I accept payment via all major credit or debit cards, as well as most HSA/FSA cards.
CAN I USE MY INSURANCE FOR OUR SESSIONS?
Intake and individual sessions typically range from 45-60 minutes/session. Longer sessions can be requested in advance of a scheduled session, and I'll let you know if I am able to accommodate it. I do not make guarantees that I will always have space in my schedule for sessions longer than an hour.
The intake session is where we'll go over your paperwork, talk about your goals, and make sure we're a good fit for each other.
I happily reserve 3 sliding scale slots on my caseload. Clients who are able to pay my full rate make it possible for people who are not as financially resourced to receive therapy at a lower cost. If you feel you are in need of a sliding scale slot or are unsure if you meet requirements, please reach out so we can talk about your options!
The link below (or you can click on the underlined title) takes you to a wonderful resource called The Green Bottle Method. It was created by Alexis J. Cunningfolk to demonstrate the varying ways in which someone can be resourced. I utilize this method to determine who meets criteria to receive a lower rate. These spots are limited and I cannot guarantee these will be available or open for new clients.
The full fee of $180 is charged for any sessions cancelled less than 24 hours in advance. Rescheduled appointment slots may be available on a limited basis and are not guaranteed.
how long are individual sessions?
My fee is $180 per hour. I do not offer couples or family therapy sessions at this time, but I am happy to suggest people who will do a wonderful job if you are in need of those services!
what are your fees for individual therapy sessions?
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