---

Shadow work has become a bit of a hot topic in spiritual communities and on social media these days.

It’s definitely powerful work to do, so on one hand, I’m glad to see it’s getting some hype!

However, because shadow work is such an abstract concept it’s often heavily misunderstood, leading to some things getting attributed to being a part of our “shadows” when they’re really not. Or us missing things that actually are part of our shadows.

And often many of the explanations and definitions out there are way too oversimplified or vague and unclear, so they miss key pieces of information. Leaving us feeling even more confused about what to do with the information we just got.

I’ve also noticed a frustrating tendency for people to speak about shadow aspects with shame-heavy language. Which I feel is committing a grave disservice to this work, because our shadows are nothing to be ashamed of, especially because literally every person has shadow material.

And also because our shadows can hold so much valuable information about who we are underneath all the societal conditioning and our limiting beliefs!

Yet, if I’m being completely honest, I’ve also found myself struggling to break it down into more simple, digestible terms.

Which is to say, this shit really is complicated to unpack.

But! Imma challenge myself to do it here.

Because shadow work is such a near and dear concept for me.

It’s not only something I’ve used extensively in my therapeutic work with clients, it’s also something I’ve found to be particularly impactful in my own journey towards self-awareness, self-acceptance, and personal growth.

So I’ve seen shadow work’s life-changing capabilities firsthand in a multitude of ways.

The catch though is that in order to use it effectively, we have to actually understand what it is and the mechanics of it.

So, without further ado!

What Exactly Is Shadow Work?

Let’s take it back to the early 1900s.

A Swiss psychologist named Carl Jung (Jung rhymes with “young”) had been working under Sigmund Freud—you know, the “tell me about your mother” guy.

People expected Jung to carry on Freud’s legacy, but their perspectives eventually diverged, and Jung struck out on his own, giving us many groundbreaking psychological concepts of his own.

One of the most influential being the concept of the “shadow self.”

Jung believed we all have parts of ourselves that live in the light of consciousness—things we’re aware of—and parts that hang out in the dark, quietly influencing us without our awareness. These hidden parts are what he called the shadow self.

Jung suggested that when we’re born, we come into the world fully whole. Totally ourselves. No shame about who we are or aren’t. No self-doubt. No watered-down personality.

Just pure, 100 % unfiltered us.

But it doesn’t take long for the world to start chipping away at that wholeness.

From a very young age, we start absorbing messages—spoken or unspoken—about who we’re “supposed” to be. Our parents, teachers, peers, religion, culture, society… everyone seemingly has an opinion about us and our identity.

And we internalize a lot of those opinions as if they were absolute truths about who we are, not just someone else’s opinion.

And those “truths” often become the building blocks of our identity. Of how we will then begin to see ourselves.

Even if those messages we received are outdated, biased, or completely false, they can still shape how we see ourselves. And over time, especially if we feel shame for being something we’re told we’re not supposed to be, we’ll begin hiding or rejecting parts of ourselves just to fit in and feel safe.

Think of it like this: when we’re born, we’re blank canvases.

But instead of being encouraged to explore our own unique brushstrokes or break out the art supplies and collage materials, our canvases often end up covered up with the images that are other people’s expectations. Long before we’ve had much of a chance to decorate it ourselves.

Sometimes those images are helpful. Sometimes they’re wildly unhelpful.

But either way, they’ll still shape how we show up in the world.

And look, I know that in a society like the U.S.—that loves to romanticize and idealize the individual—we’re taught to believe that being influenced by others is some kind of personal failing.

Cue the classic boomer quote: “If everyone else jumped off a bridge, would you do it too?”

To which I say (from a developmental psych perspective): “Well… Maybe!”

Let me explain.

Why Humans Are So Susceptible to Conditioning

First off, humans are biologically wired to seek out belonging.

Back in our hunter-gatherer days, getting kicked out of the group could literally be a death sentence.

You’d be out there trying to hunt for squirrels with a stick, while also trying to not get eaten by mountain lions. All while trying to scout out the best and safest places to sleep before you have to get up and do it all over again…

Not ideal.

So, because humans learned they needed to be part of a group, our nervous systems evolved to prioritize connection and social acceptance over just about everything else—including authenticity.

Being accepted meant safety. Being rejected meant danger or death.

It didn’t matter if everyone in your group sucked, were mean to you, or had your best interest at heart. Back then, we cared about surviving as an individual and as humans. That was about all your brain could hope for.

And those survival instincts are still an integral part of being a human today.

So, when we feel like us being “too much,” “too different,” or “too emotional” could lead to us being rejected, and feel silly for how intense we react to needing to avoid that rejection, it’s actually important to understand that our brains can kick into survival mode in these instances.

The brain freaks out and says, “Absolutely not, nope we’re not doing that!” and tells us to adapt, to tone ourselves down, or hide anything about who we are that feels risky—even if it makes us miserable.

Because the brain’s #1 priority isn’t happiness; it’s survival.

Add that to the fact that most of our core beliefs about ourselves are formed before we even hit third grade. Wild, right??

From birth to around age 8, our brains are like sponges with absolutely no filter. We can’t distinguish fact from opinion, truth from projection.

If someone we trust says something about us—even in passing—we’re likely to take it as gospel.

A caregiver calls us “too sensitive”? Yep, we absorb that into our identity. A teacher implies we’re not smart? You guessed it, that’ll stick, too.

We aren’t yet equipped to question whether they were just having a bad day, didn’t understand us, or were projecting their own insecurities onto us.

We simply and wholeheartedly believe them.

Now, let’s also add in that generally between ages 2-7 kids are developmentally “egocentric”—meaning they assume everyone sees the world the same way they do.

So if someone tells us we’re annoying, we assume everyone must think we’re annoying. And if multiple people treat us that way? Well then, it must just be who we are, right?

All of to say, our shadow isn’t some glitch or character flaw.

The shadow is neither good nor bad. It’s made up of completely normal human drives, desires, and instincts.

It’s a natural byproduct of growing up in a world full of conditioning, expectations, and imperfect people.

So we learn to repress the parts of us that seem unacceptable—not because we’re broken, but because we were trying to belong, stay safe, and get our needs met.

To survive.

The TLDR? Basically, we’re born whole. We learn to hide parts of ourselves to survive. Those hidden parts become the shadow. Shadow work is the process of making the hidden parts visible again—not to shame ourselves, but to reclaim the fullness of who we are.

Why Shadow Work Matters

When we’re stuck in fear mode, the brain couldn’t care less whether we’re living in alignment with our values or showing up as our full selves.

That’s because the things that help us grow—like facing hard truths, acknowledging uncomfortable emotions, or breaking long-standing patterns—feel risky.

So the brain does what it does best: tries to keep us safe. Even if that “safety” looks a lot like self-sabotage.

But shadow work isn’t about “living as your best self”. It isn’t about earning some moral superiority badge because you’ve “done the work.”

It’s about making peace with the parts of yourself that you’ve had to hide or ignore—not because you’re broken, but because you’re human.

It’s about choosing courage over comfort. Over and over again. And not just to be a better person, but to be a whole one.

Because avoiding your shadow doesn’t make it disappear. It just keeps you stuck in fear and living in the past.

Your Brain, On Shadow Stuff

Let’s be honest: the human brain hates discomfort.

Our brains are constantly scanning for anything in our environment that feels threatening, and unfortunately, “threatening” can also include… having emotions.

Over time, our brains have started to confuse real danger with emotional risk—like feeling anger, jealousy, sadness, neediness, or even joy—especially if we’ve been punished, shamed, or rejected for showing/having those emotions in the past.

And because our brains tell us those traits could put our relationships (and therefore our survival) at risk, our nervous systems now file them in a tote labeled “NOPE” in our unconscious mind.

So instead of letting those feelings be felt, processed, or expressed, our minds shove them into the unconscious… where they simmer just below the surface quietly until something blows the lid off.

That’s what we typically refer to when we say we’re “triggered.”

Your present-day brain is reacting to your past experiences—often without you even realizing it.

And even if the shadow isn’t consciously acknowledged, it will still impact your relationships, your self-image, your work, your worldview… even your finances.

So, Why Would Anyone Want to Do This?

Okay, fair.

Honestly, the concept of shadow work can sometimes feel like a buzzkill wrapped in a panic attack.

I mean, no one’s exactly thrilled to revisit old wounds, face their fears, or unpack old family dynamics.

Especially if we’ve spent decades trying to convince ourselves those things weren’t a big deal. That we “turned out just fine!”

But, here’s the thing:

If those hidden parts of you don’t get the chance to be seen/felt, understood, and integrated into your identity, they’ll be more likely to come out and hijack your life when you least expect it.

They don’t go away just because you refuse to look at them. They can show up in the form of…

• Brutal self-criticism
• Procrastination and self-sabotage
• Imposter syndrome
• Explosive reactions or emotional shutdowns
• Passive-aggressive behavior, bitterness, or resentment
• Toxic relationship patterns
• Poor boundaries
• Substance use or other numbing behaviors
• Miscommunications and relationship conflicts
• Prejudice, projection, bias, and harmful beliefs
• Low self-worth or lack of identity
• Feeling like you’re stuck, disconnected, or living someone else’s life

And honestly? That’s just some—not all—of the ways the shadow can present itself without our awareness.

When we’re not aware of our shadow material, we end up repeating the same painful patterns, reacting to the present based on the past, and wondering why nothing ever seems to change.

We may feel like we’re making choices or like we’re in control… but really, it’s just our shadow pulling the strings.

And it may seem like it’s easier to continue to avoid doing this work, but there’s a high cost associated with our avoidance of it.

Keeping all our shadow stuff locked up in our unconscious mind uses up a surprising amount of our energy. So does walking around in a near-constant state of hypervigilance, trying our best to avoid being triggered.

That’s energy we could instead be using to connect, create, rest, or show up fully in our lives.

Carl Jung himself put it best:

“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”

Translation?

Keep on playing the same games = keep on winning the same prizes. 🎯

Shadow work can help you understand why you react the way you do, where those reactions actually come from, and what you need to acknowledge and reintegrate into your identity.

So instead of being overwhelmed by your emotions or trapped in shame spirals, it’ll help you gain much needed clarity, self-compassion, and a true shot at making informed choices for yourself.

I do want to be clear though, shadow work IS NOT a quick fix.

And it isn’t a one-and-done kind of thing. There’s no finish line. No magical “healed” version of you waiting on the other side of one good journaling session and a good cry.

Shadow work is a lifelong practice. And it’s messy, nonlinear, and sometimes deeply uncomfortable.

But it’s also incredibly liberating.

Because when you stop living in fear of what’s in your shadow, your whole world will open up and your life will finally be yours to live. Here, in the present moment.

And your future self? The one who finally feels safe living a life full of integrity and authenticity?

They’ll thank you. I promise.

A Quick Word About My Own Shadow Work

For most of my life, I’ve operated from the narrative that I was “too sensitive,” “dramatic,” and just all around “a lot.” Emotionally insufferable, really.

Those messages got cemented in my brain early, and by adulthood I wore them like a name badge—half joking about it, half apologizing for my existence.

I wholeheartedly believed it was a true miracle that anyone could stand to be around me.

In 2016, a simple comment said in passing sent me spiraling, and began the process of me slowly-but-surely chipping away at the identity I’d been shaped into and exposing the very real truth that I had no clue who I was underneath it all.

To say it kicked off a bit of an existential crisis is a wee bit of an understatement, but it pointed out what was necessary for me to see the cognitive dissonance I’d been toting around for nearly three decades. It exposed my opposing views of myself for what they were and poked holes in the flimsy, poorly constructed identity I’d been operating with for so long.

Because I both wore my sensitivity as a badge of honor, and as an indicator that I was too emotional and too difficult to be loved.

Shadow work has given me a much needed framework to understand who I am underneath the layers of other people’s projections and expectations. It’s allowed me to see myself clearer, so that I no longer end up in friendships and relationships with people who refuse to recognize the value of my depth and my emotions.

It’s allowed me to see that I’ll never be too much for the right people. To know that I can be truly celebrated, not simply tolerated, settling for whatever scraps of affection I could get.

I’ve learned that my sensitivity doesn’t make me broken or unlovable—it makes me human. And actually, it lets me know I’m being present in my life and am embodied.

These days, instead of treating my own emotions like a liability, I can recognize them as a source of wisdom and connection.

In my next post, I’ll share more in depth information about my personal journey with shadow work—what led to it, how my shadow material played out in my life in different ways, and how doing this work has changed the way I show up in my relationships and as a therapist.

But I wanted to give a brief little snapshot of a real life example of how these hidden stories shape us—and also how we can alchemize them into something more authentic instead.

Now that you’ve learned a little about shadow work, see if you can think identify any stories you’ve be told about yourself. If maybe there are ways you’ve felt like you had to hide away parts of yourself to feel loved or avoid judgement.

If anything does come up for you, I’d like to invite you to get curious.

Do your best to suspend judgement for what presents itself to you. Sit with the feeling for a moment. Breathe through it. Any intensity of emotion will pass. Ride that wave.

Have the courage to step over that threshold and witness your depth.

Then, I want you to ask yourself what could those newly unveiled parts of you may have to teach you?

Perhaps if you were able to see them—not as flaws, or concrete evidence that you’re unworthy or unlovable—but instead, as offering you key insights on what is deserving of your time, tenderness, and compassion.

What has been deserving all along.

Because they’re likely things about you that you’ve been scared to see, to be, or to love about yourself. They’re letting you know what you can work on to feel like your whole self again.

And remember this: shadow work is universal. It’s neither good nor bad to possess shadowy parts of self.

It’s simply part of the human experience.

Til next time,